Microblog

2026-10-30 (Fri)

Scene: a hospital room. An older man lies in bed.
Nurse: "Well, my shift is ending. I'm going to go get some dinner."
Older Man: "Ah. Maybe you can have a... taco." [grins]
Nurse: "Haha... yeah, maybe so. Have a good night."
[knock on the door]
Nurse: "Come in."
[Young man walks in]
Younger Man: "Hi, dad! How are you feeling?"
Older Man: "I feel like I'm... recovering." [grins]
Nurse: "May I speak with you for a minute?"
Younger man: "Sure."
[they step into the hallway]
Nurse: "Since the stroke, your dad can't make puns anymore. But he thinks he can."

2026-09-14 (Mon)

Long's Law: Given enough time, there will be a law about everything, including Long's Law.

2026-09-14 (Mon)

When Google's flagship Android phone is playing audio through my Bluetooth headphones, and my Bluetooth-enabled vehicle drives up, the phone gets confused and starts playing through the vehicle stereo. The first Bluetooth device was sold in 1999.

Yesterday I tried to print a 4-page PDF. Both Apple Preview and Google Drive claimed to do this, but actually only printed page 4. Eventually I had to screenshot and print each page separately. PDF was developed in 1993 and standardized in 2008.

But yes, let's let AIs released last week, which nobody pretends to understand, make important decisions for us.

2026-09-10 (Thu)

If I had to name a band based on the concept of large language models, it would be "Entropy Speedboat."

2026-07-21 (Tue)

"It's the exception that proves the rule."
"That doesn't make sense."
"True, but that's how you know that everything else I say makes sense."

2026-07-01

We took a family trip last week and tried making up some tongue twisters while we drove. The one I'm proudest of is "really royal rural roarers." 🦁 I can hardly say it at all.

2026-07-01

I'm listening to an album where they play through the history of tango. I wonder if there's one on the history of macarena.

2026-03-10

On a scale of 1-10, how decisive are you?

If you said "10" you better have said it immediately.

2026-03-10

The best thing about AI is that it understands my typos.

2026-01-23

Country song hook idea: "It's not a Small World, It's Just a Small Town."

2026-01-23

If I had a blog about tea, I'd call it Tea Recs.

2025-10-10

Our kids have started saying "In the words of Dad, 'It's probably fine.'" I'm not sure if this is good or bad.

Eh, it's probably fine.

2025-07-03

Today my wife gave me a sticker celebrating that I ate 5 carrots.

Technically, they were carrot sticks. I'm a human being, not a rabbit.

I'm not some kind of vegetable chomping superhero over here, just an average guy with a below average love of carrots, just trying to make it through the day, ok? Sometimes we all need a sticker to say, "hey bub, I see that you're trying, and I CARE."

2025-07-02

If your blood doesn't clot well, it seems mean to call it "hemophilia". "Why are you bleeding so much? What, do you just LOVE BLOOD?"

2025-06-17

One thing I've learned from babies is that laughter is fundamentally social. I'm laughing because you're laughing. The point is being happy together.

That's why I don't just write silly posts on an obscure corner of the internet. I do that, yeah, but I also email them to my friend Michael. Thanks for laughing with me, Michael.

2025-06-17

2025-06-16

Why, yes, I DID train myself in a different skill set, quit my job, get one with NOAA, rearchitect their modeling software and move it to a serverless paradigm just so that I could say: "Yo dawg, I know you like computing clouds so I moved your computers to the cloud so you can compute your clouds with cloud computing."

(Warning: this meme is far past its expiration date. Consumption may lead to dizziness or nausea.)

2025-05-22

Do you remember those single purpose sites like "Is It Christmas Yet dot com" or whatever? And it just shows the word "no" every day except Christmas, then it shows "yes"?

For some reason I was lying in bed laughing about the idea of making that, but not bothering to make it show "yes" on Christmas. Then, if somebody views the HTML there's a message like "oh hi, I see you understand HTML, as a bonus here are our FAQs".

2025-04-29

I'm sorry, but I can't eat this. I have a crouton allergy.

What? No, haha, I'm sorry, I misspoke. A proton allergy.

2025-04-10

How to speak British:

  
I went to the ma_ket for a bananar.
                ▲                ▲
                |----------------|
                  move this here

2025-02-14

If ghosts were real, I wouldn't want to die on a moon mission. It would be so boring to haunt the moon.

"...and at night, they say you can still hear him moaning, although of course that's impossible in space."

2025-02-13

While you were asleep, I drew on your face.

...for inspiration.

...with permanent marker.

...on canvas.

...which... is my little name for your face.

2024-11-15

There's something deeply weird about the way modern humans use music. We record these very emotional songs, mostly about romance (not, like, "I love my kids" or "biking is fun"). So that's kind of unbalanced.

Then, after this deeply emotional song is recorded, we play it in the background while we're eating lunch or buying cereal or getting our teeth cleaned. Why do we want this?

What if there was a culture where you'd be sitting in the waiting room at the doctor's office and a song would play that says "I feel kind of sick, but I hope that soon I'll feel better". And you'd be like, "yes, this is my favorite waiting room song. It captures exactly how I feel, and is perfect for this setting. Perhaps in a few days I will listen to a dance song and do some dancing."

2024-09-04

If you put your toppings on the bottom, they're bottomings. #passiton

2024-08-05

I actually saw this scene unfold a couple of days ago, and since then, I've been imagining this commercial.

[Black screen]
[Sound of a car engine revving]
Announcer: That sound... so loud, so aggressive...
[engine sound heightens]
Announcer: ... but don't let it fool you.
[a muscle car sits at a traffic light beside a Tesla S3]
[the light turns green and the Tesla quietly zips away out of frame]
[the muscle car roars and chases it out of frame]
Announcer: ... it's the sound of frustration.
[Tesla logo appears]

2024-08-04

I just got back from a comedy tour⁺ and boy are my jokes tired⁺⁺.

⁺untrue ⁺⁺true

2024-07-06

Spotted in a small town: Brenda's Cafe, selling milkshakes and live bait. Don't get those cups mixed up!

2024-07-04

...and when I returned, they had absconded with my hansom. That's when I noticed that the sign said "varlet parking".

2024-07-04

Ron is a real big wig in the beach rentals decorations industry. Ron "Beach Rules" Blagovich they call him.

2024-06-21

Passing on my cultural heritage, I have taught my children about Chuck Norris Facts. Anna (8) has come up with a couple of great ones.

  1. Chuck Norris once beat a fish in a breath-holding contest.
  2. Chunk Norris can jump rope with nunchucks.

2024-06-19

[scene: a tough Tuesday]

Me: "Well, it's Friday somewhere."
Friend Michael: "That's incredibly false."
Me: "There are a lot of planets, Michael."
Friend Michael: "Again, incredibly false."

2024-06-14

Q. What is a pirate's favorite restaurant?
A. It depends on the pirate.

Q. Where does a snowman keep his money?
A. Snowmen do not need money because they are inanimate.

Q. What kind of fruit does a ghost like best?
A. Ghosts are not real, and if they were, would not have digestive systems. But anyway, booberries.

2024-05-28

My new startup is disrupting the disruptions industry. Nothing will be the same when we are finished, but everything will always be the same after that.

2024-04-29

I got a sales email from someone at Salesforce. I wish they'd stop forcing their Salesforce force to sell Salesforce.

2024-04-24

OK, I guess we can get started now, but TBH I was hoping for a little more ado.

2024-04-03

Before Kepler, astronomers believed that solar orbits were perfect circles or circles with circular Ptolemaic epicycles, following the Aristotelian idea of celestial spheres. Which makes sense, because the ideal human has a perfectly spherical head.

2024-03-15

Call me old fashioned, but I like my chiptunes on vinyl.

2024-03-13

You can't teach an old dog new tricks. Ipso facto, you can't teach a new dog old tricks. But can you teach a trick dog old news? This is a question that needs further exploration.

2024-03-06

The Linux "OOM Killer" sounds so much like a rapper name that I wrote a little rap.

OOM Killa, comin' to your villa
steppin' in your process tree like Godzilla
Rampage-style, I'm cutting out the filler
You got less memory free than a chinchilla

You got so many PIDs
you gotta be a collector
only problem is
you're running out of free sectors
Somewhere in your processes you got a defector
I'mma suck up all those bloated little pids like they're nectar

People get so angry and they say I'm indiscriminate
Cry me up a river and I'll show you how I swim in it
You want Matlock for your mallocs
but your DevOps sent a cyclops
I make PIDs pop till your mem drops
cause a hard stop is immiment

2023-10-31

"Oh, you're having fun on the hay ride, yes? You like the hay ride? …In Soviet Russia, hay rides YOU."

(This joke is only 31 years too late.) [Tips hat to Yakov Smirnoff]

2023-07-17

A: "I behoove you to read this book."
B: "You can't behoove me. It has to."
A: "The book?"
B: "No, it. The one that rains, I guess."
A: "All I'm saying is, if you read this book, you're gonna get some sweet hooves."

2023-02-09

How come nobody but me is in this meeting that's scheduled for tomorr... oh.

2023-02-02

I like natural peanut butter. One day I hope to visit the springs from which it flows.

2023-01-26

I want a word that means "the bewildering indifference of a bureaucracy which in practical effect resembles hatred." We have these pithy words like "to ghost" or "to gaslight", but not for "to refer someone to the website menu option that doesn't exist and the hotline that hangs up on them."

2023-01-26

That's right, banking site. The last name of my favorite professor was "gently vita flipper." I think he was Dutch?

2023-01-20

Hey, do you even know who I am, pal? I'm the guy who went back in time to 2008 and stopped Smuckers from trademarking "that's my jam". You're welcome.

2022-12-14

Mitch Hedberg had this bit about not needing a receipt when he bought a donut - it's like, "I give you the money, you give me the donut, end of transaction." Sometimes when I buy something online and get marketing emails, I think about that. Like, no, I just wanted to buy a shirt, I didn't want to get emails about shirts. I don't have a shirt hobby.

2022-12-14

Me: There is so much political turmoil. How will it end? Let's use this time machine to find out.
[poofs to the future]
Me: You there, citizen. What are your political views?
Citizen: I consider myself a moderate. I'm against using people for meat, but I make an exception for clones.

2022-12-12

Animals can't have wheels because the blood vessels would sever, but what if the wheels were separate, symbiotic organisms? So they're shaped like donuts, and the host has axles that fit through them. The two grow together, and when the host catches food it gives bits of it to the wheels. The host has a skin sail and chases prey across the plains at high speed. "Thanks wheels, here are some lizard bits."

2022-11-07

Hi, this is Kandace from TechNeck Recruiters. I have a job here that fits your resume from literally 15 years ago so I thought I'd go ahead and text you. Our ideal candidate is stagnant, yet desperate.

2022-08-04

That fella is one of a kind. Yessir, an example of a category, an instance of a class, a member of a set, an occurrence of a type, that fella. Never met any unlike him.

2022-07-25

An atheist can do good deeds in the same way that a solipsist can get married. He can, but he can't believe that he can.

2022-06-29

I bought some bookends on Amazon and it suggested I "subscribe and save." Apparently many people find themselves with an ever-increasing number of partially-filled bookshelves.

2022-02-17

There once was a foodie Kentuckan
Who set out to make a turducken
But he cooked it too little
('twas cool in the middle)
and soon all his guests were upchuckin

2022-02-15

I'm like Sisyphus, except instead of a rock it's delicious chewing gum, and instead of forever it's about 5 minutes.

Also, not the hill part, I'm just chewing gum.

2022-02-09

irenic > ironic

2022-01-28

A show like Bob Ross, except it's me and I'm bad at drawing.

"And this little horse had an industrial mishap."

2022-01-25

When I see a man pushing a baby stroller, I give him a little nod to say, "haha, yes, I too have offspring."

2022-01-19

Falsehoods programmers believe:

2022-01-13

I don't know why they call this bag of M&Ms "family size." My son alone weighs 70 pounds.

2022-01-11

A good chiptunes group name would be Data Bass.

2021-12-29

I'm looking for a programming language with a good ilk system. Strongly ilked.

2021-12-28

Did you know you can just buy cherry pie filling at the grocery store and put it on your ice cream? What a country we live in.

2021-12-03

"Has thou harkened to that new minstrel troupe, Garrulous Chamberpot?"

"Yea, they are exquisitely contrary."

2022-01-01

If I made dentist accounting software, I would call it Toothsum.

2022-01-11

In conclusion, cats are modern plesiosaurs. Thank you for reviewing my PsD dissertation and helping me become a Doctor of Pseudoscience.

2021-11-30

The "features" filter for microwaves on lowes.com has "works with Alexa" but doesn't have "won't set your carrots on fire."

I literally cannot imagine why I would want to control my microwave via Alexa.

"Hey Alexa, addthirtysecondsaddthirtysecondsaddthirtyseconds."

2021-11-29

"Inimical", more like "enemical", amirite?

2021-11-17

You can't phish me if I never check my email.

2021-11-08

Back in my day, Mario was a rock and Bowser was a pine cone, and that was good enough for us.

2021-09-02

If I started a business to facilitate person-to-person sales of domain names, I'd call it DNSCrow.

2021-08-18

If I went into data science, I'd want to be a Data Herpetologist.

2021-08-17

Area Man Finally Checks Out That One Band, Realizes He Missed Their Entire Musical Career

2021-08-14

Why doesn't Amazon have "Subscribe and Save" for pants?

2021-08-12

Before giving a talk about using stored procedures in the database, you should give a trigger warning.

2021-08-04

Today I have jury duty, or as I like to think of it, "jury mandatory opportunity."

2021-07-29

Is 1,000 kilograms a megagram, or did computer people have a falling out with the metric system?

2021-06-15

Hey everyone, I'm really good at goodbyes, so I've composed a song which perfectly captures my feelings and will help each of you gain emotional closure.

2021-06-14

This one goes out to all the people who see themselves in generic song dedications.

2021-06-05

Hey its'ah me, Mario! Meet-ah my children, Mini, Micro, Nano, Pico, and Fempto.

2021-06-01

Excuse me, I was told this was the option with all the bells and whistles but I count a mere 15 whistles here.

2021-05-28

My neighbor is always doing unnecessary remodeling. But you know, carpenters gonna carpent.

2021-05-04

You don't have to be hiking to eat trail mix. You can live your dreams.

2021-04-26 (Bonus Edition)

Interviewer: "If you wanted to write a controller which constantly emits baby screams, how would you do that?"

2021-04-26

The mechanic tried to tell me they needed to rotate my tires, but I said I'd do it on the way home.

Come on, man. I know how wheels work.

2021-04-19

I don't always mistype commands on production servers, but when I do, I use sudo.

2021-04-06

Guess who just successfully proposed a very minor security policy change at a large company and has at least two thumbs.

2021-03-29

What answer will you not select to this question?




2021-02-12

Back in my day, if you wanted baby carrots, you had to whittle 'em yourself.

2021-02-11

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Especially if you have good aim.

2021-02-10

Science: "The passage of time varies with your speed."

You: "Yeah, awesome, keep blowing our minds, science."

Science: "There are millions of bacteria in your mouth."

You: "Ha ha, OK, wow, gross, but thanks for the knowledge bombs."

Science: "Strawberries aren't berries. Pumpkins are berries."

You: "Shut up science, nobody likes you."

2021-02-02

When my dad wants to answer a question with an enthusiastic "yes", he sometimes uses a funny expression whose answer is "yes". For example:

I like this approach, but I want to expand it to answers like "No", and "I'm not sure, but your question makes me uncomfortable."

For example: "Does an elm have a thorax?" and "Did Hitler love tennis?"

2021-01-29

Babies hate it when you steal their poop.

2021-01-29

I think a good band name would be "Cancelled for Rain".

2021-01-27

I blog, but I don't use social media. Recently, one of my posts went fungal.

2021-01-22

No, YOU'RE a nary tract infection.

2021-01-19

I hope someone at Oral B starts a headphone company called Aural B, because it would be fun to hear people try to enunciate the difference.

2021-01-12

I hear Al Gore is making a film about narwhals. It's called "An Inconvenient Tooth."

2021-01-05

My colleagues have very expensive tastes in things. I don't want to be left out, so I have decided to become an aglet snob.

2021-01-25

"Then how the reindeer loved him / as they shouted out with glee / Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer / witness our duplicity!"

2020-12-24

Why ship nori with packets of desiccant when you could include packets of desican?

2020-12-20

"Nectar Kollector invading your sector / watch out cause I'm intersecting your vector" (gangsta rap by bees)

2020-12-14

If you aren't satisfied with my helium-based weight loss method, maybe you should have specified that you wanted to lose mass.

If you aren't satisfied with my amputation-based mass loss method, maybe you should try Jazzercise.

2020-11-18

I prefer petroleum jam, it's got those hearty chunks of petroleum.

2020-11-07

My wife asked me how I would introduce myself professionally using only words of 4 letters or fewer. We came up with: "I make the 'type and see' box know more and do more good."

2020-10-15

I just saw a sign for laser hair removal. Why would you remove laser hair!?

2020-10-09

I wanted to be a pharmacist, but they said I had to take "hippo training", and I hate those freaky mouths.

2020-08-26

Why do they sell a thing called "0% Milk"? I don't need to go to the store to get Not Milk. I already have a wide variety of non-milks right here at home.

I mean, in this uncertain world, I appreciate any kind of guarantee, but "we didn't put milk in here" isn't very useful.

2020-08-26

I just missed a call from my old pal Scam Likely.

2019-12-09

As a dad with young children, my primary method of lawn fertilization is to sling handfuls of stale cheerios out of the van before loading in a kid.

2018-05-11

Me: [explains something to my 4.5 year old] Him: [claps and smiles] "I clapped for you because I wanted you to feel that you had a good speech."

2018-04-19

Any mug can be a travel mug if you try hard and believe in yourself.

2018-04-09

Good news: I now have enough Elixir knowledge to solve an important business problem! Bad news: the problem was three jobs ago.

2018-01-22

"Thanks for being a part of the [company name] family", says a message from the pest control people.

You kill our bugs for money. This is not a family relationship. And that's OK.

Don't make it weird, pest control people.

2018-01-18

Software developers: "Dependencies and ambiguity are problematic. Go with strict types, single responsibility, modularity, and loose coupling."

Also software developers: "I invested in the company I work for and can't sell or quit without complications."

(Disclosure: my wise wife kept me from doing this.)

2017-11-22

IN A WORLD... where problems can be solved by punching...
ONE MAN... is really good at punching.

[supervillian attacking] POW
[dictator commanding troops] BAM
[worker dumping sewage in river] BIFF
[forum troll typing] BOOM
[philosopher making fallacious argument] WHAMMO

2017-07-03

TFW you drew an extremely professional stick figure cartoon on your cover letter and they act like they didn't get your job application.

2017-06-21

"R U a full stack dev?" "No, because..." [fumbles around for sunglasses, puts them on wrong, readjusts, looks up] 😎 "I use tail recursion."

2017-02-20

If you find a 1970s stereo receiver, you can play an iPod through it.

But the useless GPS in your car can't be replaced.

Progress.

2017-02-16

To properly destroy documents:

  1. cross-shred
  2. compost
  3. grow veggies
  4. eat veggies
  5. poop in the woods

2017-02-07

Functional Programming Term or Degenerative Illness?
"I'm sorry sir, you've got monoid. It's going to make you idempotent."
"I've just been diagnosed with pointed functor."

2016-11-17

Confession: I am a chocoholic.
That's right. I'm addicted to chocohol.

2016-10-28

[At imaginary restaurant]
Me: "This wine isn't very sweet."
[reaches for sugar packets]

2016-10-19

Dental hygienist: "Any changes to your medical history?"
Me: "Yeah. Some jerk with a time machine broke my leg in '06."

2016-09-13

That one guy from Mortal Kombat really missed his chance to be the World's Greatest Concert Pianist. Four arms and all you do is grab dudes?

2016-09-07

AirPods: the earbuds that will look and sound great falling out of your ears and going "plink plink" down the nearest storm drain.

2016-08-01

Why would someone call a meat sandwich a "slider"? Am I supposed to unhinge my jaw and swallow it like a python?

2016-07-22

"I'll just write a quick bash script for this."
[later]
"Hmmm, seems like some quotes need escaping."
[much later]
(soft whimpering)

2016-07-19

"I'm a full stack engineer."
"Cool, can you build us a single page app?"
"Sure." [starts gathering sand and copper]

2016-07-01

I never knew there were so many wrong ways to put on underpants until we had a toddler.

2016-05-19

[pooping in peace]
[suddenly, bathroom door opens, and 2.5-year-old walks in]
"Daddy, where is Consumer Reports?"

2016-04-27

[getting ready]
toddler son: "What's that, Daddy?"
me: "That's deodorant."
toddler son: "I want to do things with that deodorant."

2016-01-06

Dear dreams,

I never forget to wear clothes. Could you maybe warn me about heart disease or something instead?

Love,
Nathan

2015-12-23

Call me old-fashioned, but I still like CDs. I like the warm sound of the laser reading those bits.

2015-12-02

Just occurred to me that the washer's spin cycle is like hanging things to drip-dry on a high-gravity planet.

2015-08-26

"How would Wolverine cut through this text file?", I ask myself. Then I remember he's a huge 'ack' man.

2015-11-04

If I worked repairing spacecraft, I would definitely want my job title to be "Orbital Mechanic".

2015-08-24

A level 4 vegan can only eat plants that died a natural death.

2015-04-08

Wife: Hey, handsome.
Me: Oh? You know, I've... [leans in suggestively] had a shower today.
#remotework

2015-03-02

[toddler climbing a step stool]
Me: "What are you doing?"
Him: "Upping."

Oh, my son. You are right and English is wrong.

2014-04-08

Things brilliantly designed to be exactly wrong: http://www.kkstudio.gr/#the-uncomfortable

2014-03-27

Today I visited the tax office on Important Grownup Business. As I walked out, I realized I had an 80s cartoon theme song in my head.