Microblog
2022-08-04
That fella is one of a kind. Yessir, an example of a category, an instance of a class, a member of a set, an occurrence of a type, that fella. Never met any unlike him.
2022-07-25
An atheist can do good deeds in the same way that a solipsist can get married. He can, but he can't believe that he can.
2022-06-29
I bought some bookends on Amazon and it suggested I "subscribe and save." Apparently many people find themselves with an ever-increasing number of partially-filled bookshelves.
2022-02-17
There once was a foodie Kentuckan
Who set out to make a turducken
But he cooked it too little
('twas cool in the middle)
and soon all his guests were upchuckin
2022-02-15
I'm like Sisyphus, except instead of a rock it's delicious chewing gum, and instead of forever it's about 5 minutes.
Also, not the hill part, I'm just chewing gum.
2022-02-09
irenic > ironic
2022-01-28
A show like Bob Ross, except it's me and I'm bad at drawing.
"And this little horse had an industrial mishap."
2022-01-25
When I see a man pushing a baby stroller, I give him a little nod to say, "haha, yes, I too have offspring."
2022-01-19
Falsehoods programmers believe:
- I won't get old
- Strawberries are berries
- My cat loves me
2022-01-13
I don't know why they call this bag of M&Ms "family size." My son alone weighs 70 pounds.
2022-01-11
A good chiptunes group name would be Data Bass.
2021-12-29
I'm looking for a programming language with a good ilk system. Strongly ilked.
2021-12-28
Did you know you can just buy cherry pie filling at the grocery store and put it on your ice cream? What a country we live in.
2021-12-03
"Has thou harkened to that new minstrel troupe, Garrulous Chamberpot?"
"Yea, they are exquisitely contrary."
2022-01-01
If I made dentist accounting software, I would call it Toothsum.
2022-01-11
In conclusion, cats are modern plesiosaurs. Thank you for reviewing my PsD dissertation and helping me become a Doctor of Pseudoscience.
2021-11-30
The "features" filter for microwaves on lowes.com has "work with Alexa" but doesn't have "won't set your carrots on fire."
I literally cannot imagine why I would want to control my microwave via Alexa.
"Hey Alexa, addthirtysecondsaddthirtysecondsaddthirtyseconds."
2021-11-30
If I were a Jewish punk rocker, I would call my band Flagrant Dreidels.
2021-11-29
"Inimical", more like "enemical", amirite?
2021-11-17
You can't phish me if I never check my email.
2021-11-08
Back in my day, Mario was a rock and Bowser was a pine cone, and that was good enough for us.
2021-09-02
If I started a business to facilitate person-to-person sales of domain names, I'd call it DNSCrow.
2021-08-18
If I went into data science, I'd want to be a Data Herpetologist.
2021-08-17
Area Man Finally Checks Out That One Band, Realizes He Missed Their Entire Musical Career
2021-08-14
Why doesn't Amazon have "Subscribe and Save" for pants?
2021-08-12
Before giving a talk about using stored procedures in the database, you should give a trigger warning.
2021-08-04
Today I have jury duty, or as I like to think of it, "jury mandatory opportunity."
2021-07-29
Is 1,000 kilograms a megagram, or did computer people have a falling out with the metric system?
2021-06-15
Hey everyone, I'm really good at goodbyes, so I've composed a song which perfectly captures my feelings and will help each of you gain emotional closure.
2021-06-14
This one goes out to all the people who see themselves in generic song dedications.
2021-06-05
Hey its'ah me, Mario! Meet-ah my children, Mini, Micro, Nano, Pico, and Fempto.
2021-06-01
Excuse me, I was told this was the option with all the bells and whistles but I count a mere 15 whistles here.
2021-05-28
My neighbor is always doing unnecessary remodeling. But you know, carpenters gonna carpent.
2021-05-04
You don't have to be hiking to eat trail mix. You can live your dreams.
2021-04-26 (Bonus Edition)
Interviewer: "If you wanted to write a controller which constantly emits baby screams, how would you do that?"
2021-04-26
The mechanic tried to tell me they needed to rotate my tires, but I said I'd do it on the way home.
Come on, man. I know how wheels work.
2021-04-19
I don't always mistype commands on production servers, but when I do, I use sudo
.
2021-04-06
Guess who just successfully proposed a very minor security policy change at a large company and has at least two thumbs.
2021-03-29
What answer will you not select to this question?
2021-02-12
Back in my day, if you wanted baby carrots, you had to whittle 'em yourself.
2021-02-11
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Especially if you have good aim.
2021-02-10
Science: "The passage of time varies with your speed."
You: "Yeah, awesome, keep blowing our minds, science."
Science: "There are millions of bacteria in your mouth."
You: "Ha ha, OK, wow, thanks for the knowledge bombs."
Science: "Strawberries aren't berries. Pumpkins are berries."
You: "Shut up science, nobody likes you."
2021-02-02
When my dad wants to answer a question with an enthusiastic "yes", he sometimes uses a funny expression whose answer is "yes". For example:
- Q: "Do you want some ice cream?"
- A: "Does a cat have climbing gear?"
I like this approach, but I want to expand it to answers like "No", and "I'm not sure, but your question makes me uncomfortable."
For example: "Does an elm have a thorax?" and "Did Hitler play tennis?"
2021-01-29
Babies hate it when you steal their poop.
2021-01-29
I think a good band name would be "Cancelled for Rain".
2021-01-27
I blog, but I don't use social media. Recently, one of my posts went fungal.
2021-01-22
No, YOU'RE a nary tract infection.
2021-01-19
I hope someone at Oral B starts a headphone company called Aural B, because it would be fun to hear people try to enunciate the difference.
2021-01-12
I hear Al Gore is making a film about narwhals. It's called "An Inconvenient Tooth."
2021-01-05
My colleagues have very expensive tastes in things. I don't want to be left out, so I have decided to become an aglet snob.
2021-01-25
"Then how the reindeer loved him / as they shouted out with glee / Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer / witness our duplicity!"
2020-12-24
Why ship nori with packets of desiccant when you could include packets of desican?
2020-12-20
"Nectar Kollector invading your sector / watch out cause I'm intersecting your vector" (gangsta rap by bees)
2020-12-14
If you aren't satisfied with my helium-based weight loss method, maybe you should have specified that you wanted to lose mass.
If you aren't satisfied with my amputation-based mass loss method, maybe you should try Jazzercise.
2020-11-18
I prefer petroleum jam, it's got those hearty chunks of petroleum.
2020-11-07
My wife asked me how I would introduce myself professionally using only words of 4 letters or fewer. We came up with: "I make the 'type and see' box know more and do more good."
2020-10-15
I just saw a sign for laser hair removal. Why would you remove laser hair!?
2020-10-09
I wanted to be a pharmacist, but they said I had to take "hippo training", and I hate those freaky mouths.
2017-06-21
"R U a full stack dev?" "No, because..." <fumbles around for sunglasses, puts them on wrong, readjusts, looks up> 😎 "I use tail recursion."