What answer will you not select to this question?


Back in my day, if you wanted baby carrots, you had to whittle 'em yourself.


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Especially if you have good aim.


Science: "The passage of time varies with your speed." You: "Yeah, awesome, keep blowing our minds, science." Science: "There are millions of bacteria in your mouth." You: "Ha ha, OK, wow, thanks for the knowledge bombs." Science: "Strawberries aren't berries. Pumpkins are berries." You: "Shut up science, nobody likes you."


When my dad wants to answer a question with an enthusiastic "yes", he sometimes uses a funny expression whose answer is "yes". For example:

I like this approach, but I want to expand it to answers like "No", and "I'm not sure, but your question makes me uncomfortable."

For example: "Does an elm have a thorax?" and "Did Hitler play tennis?"


Babies hate it when you steal their poop.


I think a good band name would be "Cancelled for Rain".


I blog, but I don't use social media. Recently, one of my posts went fungal.


No, YOU'RE a nary tract infection.


I hope someone at Oral B starts a headphone company called Aural B, because it would be fun to hear people try to enunciate the difference.


I hear Al Gore is making a film about narwhals. It's called "An Inconvenient Tooth."


My colleagues have very expensive tastes in things. I don't want to be left out, so I have decided to become an aglet snob.


"Then how the reindeer loved him / as they shouted out with glee / Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer / witness our duplicity!"


Why ship nori with packets of desiccant when you could include packets of desican?


"Nectar Kollector invading your sector / watch out cause I'm intersecting your vector" (gangsta rap by bees)


If you aren't satisfied with my helium-based weight loss method, maybe you should have specified that you wanted to lose mass.

If you aren't satisfied with my amputation-based mass loss method, maybe you should try Jazzercise.


I prefer petroleum jam, it's got those hearty chunks of petroleum.


My wife asked me how I would introduce myself professionally using only words of 4 letters or fewer. We came up with: "I make the 'type and see' box know more and do more good."


I just saw a sign for laser hair removal. Why would you remove laser hair!?


I wanted to be a pharmacist, but they said I had to take "hippo training", and I hate those freaky mouths.


"R U a full stack dev?" "No, because..." <fumbles around for sunglasses, puts them on wrong, readjusts, looks up> 😎 "I use tail recursion."