Microblog

2022-02-17

There once was a foodie Kentuckan
Who set out to make a turducken
But he cooked it too little
(it was cool in the middle)
and soon all his guests were upchuckin

2022-02-15

I'm like Sisyphus, except instead of a rock it's delicious chewing gum, and instead of forever it's about 5 minutes.

Also, not the hill part, I'm just chewing gum.

2022-02-09

irenic > ironic

2022-01-28

A show like Bob Ross, except it's me and I'm bad at drawing.

"And this little horse had an industrial mishap."

2022-01-25

When I see a man pushing a baby stroller, I give him a little nod to say, "haha, yes, I too have offspring."

2022-01-19

Falsehoods programmers believe:

2022-01-13

I don't know why they call this bag of M&Ms "family size." My son alone weighs 70 pounds.

2022-01-11

A good chiptunes group name would be Data Bass.

2021-12-29

I'm looking for a programming language with a good ilk system. Strongly ilked.

2021-12-28

Did you know you can just buy cherry pie filling at the grocery store and put it on your ice cream? What a country we live in.

2021-12-03

"Has thou harkened to that new minstrel troupe, Garrulous Chamberpot?"

"Yea, they are exquisitely contrary."

2022-01-01

If I made dentist accounting software, I would call it Toothsum.

2022-01-11

In conclusion, cats are modern plesiosaurs. Thank you for reviewing my PsD dissertation and helping me become a Doctor of Pseudoscience.

2021-11-30

The "features" filter for microwaves on lowes.com has "work with Alexa" but doesn't have "won't set your carrots on fire."

I literally cannot imagine why I would want to control my microwave via Alexa.

"Hey Alexa, addthirtysecondsaddthirtysecondsaddthirtyseconds."

2021-11-30

If I were a Jewish punk rocker, I would call my band Flagrant Dreidels.

2021-11-29

"Inimical", more like "enemical", amirite?

2021-11-17

You can't phish me if I never check my email.

2021-11-08

Back in my day, Mario was a rock and Bowser was a pine cone, and that was good enough for us.

2021-09-02

If I started a business to facilitate person-to-person sales of domain names, I'd call it DNSCrow.

2021-08-18

If I went into data science, I'd want to be a Data Herpetologist.

2021-08-17

Area Man Finally Checks Out That One Band, Realizes He Missed Their Entire Musical Career

2021-08-14

Why doesn't Amazon have "Subscribe and Save" for pants?

2021-08-12

Before giving a talk about using stored procedures in the database, you should give a trigger warning.

2021-08-04

Today I have jury duty, or as I like to think of it, "jury mandatory opportunity."

2021-07-29

Is 1,000 kilograms a megagram, or did computer people have a falling out with the metric system?

2021-06-15

Hey everyone, I'm really good at goodbyes, so I've composed a song which perfectly captures my feelings and will help each of you gain emotional closure.

2021-06-14

This one goes out to all the people who see themselves in generic song dedications.

2021-06-05

Hey its'ah me, Mario! Meet-ah my children, Mini, Micro, Nano, Pico, and Fempto.

2021-06-01

Excuse me, I was told this was the option with all the bells and whistles but I count a mere 15 whistles here.

2021-05-28

My neighbor is always doing unnecessary remodeling. But you know, carpenters gonna carpent.

2021-05-04

You don't have to be hiking to eat trail mix. You can live your dreams.

2021-04-26 (Bonus Edition)

Interviewer: "If you wanted to write a controller which constantly emits baby screams, how would you do that?"

2021-04-26

The mechanic tried to tell me they needed to rotate my tires, but I said I'd do it on the way home.

Come on, man. I know how wheels work.

2021-04-19

I don't always mistype commands on production servers, but when I do, I use sudo.

2021-04-06

Guess who just successfully proposed a very minor security policy change at a large company and has at least two thumbs.

2021-03-29

What answer will you not select to this question?




2021-02-12

Back in my day, if you wanted baby carrots, you had to whittle 'em yourself.

2021-02-11

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Especially if you have good aim.

2021-02-10

Science: "The passage of time varies with your speed."

You: "Yeah, awesome, keep blowing our minds, science."

Science: "There are millions of bacteria in your mouth."

You: "Ha ha, OK, wow, thanks for the knowledge bombs."

Science: "Strawberries aren't berries. Pumpkins are berries."

You: "Shut up science, nobody likes you."

2021-02-02

When my dad wants to answer a question with an enthusiastic "yes", he sometimes uses a funny expression whose answer is "yes". For example:

I like this approach, but I want to expand it to answers like "No", and "I'm not sure, but your question makes me uncomfortable."

For example: "Does an elm have a thorax?" and "Did Hitler play tennis?"

2021-01-29

Babies hate it when you steal their poop.

2021-01-29

I think a good band name would be "Cancelled for Rain".

2021-01-27

I blog, but I don't use social media. Recently, one of my posts went fungal.

2021-01-22

No, YOU'RE a nary tract infection.

2021-01-19

I hope someone at Oral B starts a headphone company called Aural B, because it would be fun to hear people try to enunciate the difference.

2021-01-12

I hear Al Gore is making a film about narwhals. It's called "An Inconvenient Tooth."

2021-01-05

My colleagues have very expensive tastes in things. I don't want to be left out, so I have decided to become an aglet snob.

2021-01-25

"Then how the reindeer loved him / as they shouted out with glee / Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer / witness our duplicity!"

2020-12-24

Why ship nori with packets of desiccant when you could include packets of desican?

2020-12-20

"Nectar Kollector invading your sector / watch out cause I'm intersecting your vector" (gangsta rap by bees)

2020-12-14

If you aren't satisfied with my helium-based weight loss method, maybe you should have specified that you wanted to lose mass.

If you aren't satisfied with my amputation-based mass loss method, maybe you should try Jazzercise.

2020-11-18

I prefer petroleum jam, it's got those hearty chunks of petroleum.

2020-11-07

My wife asked me how I would introduce myself professionally using only words of 4 letters or fewer. We came up with: "I make the 'type and see' box know more and do more good."

2020-10-15

I just saw a sign for laser hair removal. Why would you remove laser hair!?

2020-10-09

I wanted to be a pharmacist, but they said I had to take "hippo training", and I hate those freaky mouths.

2017-06-21

"R U a full stack dev?" "No, because..." <fumbles around for sunglasses, puts them on wrong, readjusts, looks up> 😎 "I use tail recursion."