Microblog

2021-02-12

Back in my day, if you wanted baby carrots, you had to whittle 'em yourself.

2021-02-11

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Especially if you have good aim.

2021-02-10

Science: "The passage of time varies with your speed." You: "Yeah, awesome, keep blowing our minds, science." Science: "There are millions of bacteria in your mouth." You: "Ha ha, OK, wow, thanks for the knowledge bombs." Science: "Strawberries aren't berries. Pumpkins are berries." You: "Shut up science, nobody likes you."

2021-02-02

When my dad wants to answer a question with an enthusiastic "yes", he sometimes uses a funny expression whose answer is "yes". For example:

• Q: "Do you want some ice cream?"
• A: "Does a cat have climbing gear?"

I like this approach, but I want to expand it to answers like "No", and "I'm not sure, but your question makes me uncomfortable."

For example: "Does an elm have a thorax?" and "Did Hitler play tennis?"

2021-01-29

Babies hate it when you steal their poop.

2021-01-29

I think a good band name would be "Cancelled for Rain".

2021-01-27

I blog, but I don't use social media. Recently, one of my posts went fungal.

2021-01-22

No, YOU'RE a nary tract infection.

2021-01-19

I hope someone at Oral B starts a headphone company called Aural B, because it would be fun to hear people try to enunciate the difference.

2021-01-12

I hear Al Gore is making a film about narwhals. It's called "An Inconvenient Tooth."

2021-01-05

My colleagues have very expensive tastes in things. I don't want to be left out, so I have decided to become an aglet snob.

2021-01-25

"Then how the reindeer loved him / as they shouted out with glee / Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer / witness our duplicity!"

2020-12-24

Why ship nori with packets of desiccant when you could include packets of desican?

2020-12-20

"Nectar Kollector invading your sector / watch out cause I'm intersecting your vector" (gangsta rap by bees)

2020-12-14

If you aren't satisfied with my helium-based weight loss method, maybe you should have specified that you wanted to lose mass.

If you aren't satisfied with my amputation-based mass loss method, maybe you should try Jazzercise.

2020-11-18

I prefer petroleum jam, it's got those hearty chunks of petroleum.

2020-11-07

My wife asked me how I would introduce myself professionally using only words of 4 letters or fewer. We came up with: "I make the 'type and see' box know more and do more good."

2020-10-15

I just saw a sign for laser hair removal. Why would you remove laser hair!?

2020-10-09

I wanted to be a pharmacist, but they said I had to take "hippo training", and I hate those freaky mouths.