Back in my day, if you wanted baby carrots, you had to whittle 'em yourself.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Especially if you have good aim.
Science: "The passage of time varies with your speed." You: "Yeah, awesome, keep blowing our minds, science." Science: "There are millions of bacteria in your mouth." You: "Ha ha, OK, wow, thanks for the knowledge bombs." Science: "Strawberries aren't berries. Pumpkins are berries." You: "Shut up science, nobody likes you."
When my dad wants to answer a question with an enthusiastic "yes", he sometimes uses a funny expression whose answer is "yes". For example:
- Q: "Do you want some ice cream?"
- A: "Does a cat have climbing gear?"
I like this approach, but I want to expand it to answers like "No", and "I'm not sure, but your question makes me uncomfortable."
For example: "Does an elm have a thorax?" and "Did Hitler play tennis?"
Babies hate it when you steal their poop.
I think a good band name would be "Cancelled for Rain".
I blog, but I don't use social media. Recently, one of my posts went fungal.
No, YOU'RE a nary tract infection.
I hope someone at Oral B starts a headphone company called Aural B, because it would be fun to hear people try to enunciate the difference.
I hear Al Gore is making a film about narwhals. It's called "An Inconvenient Tooth."
My colleagues have very expensive tastes in things. I don't want to be left out, so I have decided to become an aglet snob.
"Then how the reindeer loved him / as they shouted out with glee / Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer / witness our duplicity!"
Why ship nori with packets of desiccant when you could include packets of desican?
"Nectar Kollector invading your sector / watch out cause I'm intersecting your vector" (gangsta rap by bees)
If you aren't satisfied with my helium-based weight loss method, maybe you should have specified that you wanted to lose mass.
If you aren't satisfied with my amputation-based mass loss method, maybe you should try Jazzercise.
I prefer petroleum jam, it's got those hearty chunks of petroleum.
My wife asked me how I would introduce myself professionally using only words of 4 letters or fewer. We came up with: "I make the 'type and see' box know more and do more good."
I just saw a sign for laser hair removal. Why would you remove laser hair!?
I wanted to be a pharmacist, but they said I had to take "hippo training", and I hate those freaky mouths.