Microblog
2025-04-29
I'm sorry, but I can't eat this. I have a crouton allergy.
What? No, haha, I'm sorry, I misspoke. A proton allergy.
2025-04-10
How to speak British:
I went to the ma_ket for a bananar.
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move this here
2025-02-14
If ghosts were real, I wouldn't want to die on a moon mission. It would be so boring to haunt the moon.
"...and at night, they say you can still hear him moaning, although of course that's impossible in space."
2025-02-13
While you were asleep, I drew on your face.
...for inspiration.
...with permanent marker.
...on canvas.
...which... is my little name for your face.
2024-11-15
There's something deeply weird about the way modern humans use music. We record these very emotional songs, mostly about romance (not, like, "I love my kids" or "biking is fun"). So that's kind of unbalanced.
Then, after this deeply emotional song is recorded, we play it in the background while we're eating lunch or buying cereal or getting our teeth cleaned. Why do we want this?
What if there was a culture where you'd be sitting in the waiting room at the doctor's office and a song would play that says "I feel kind of sick, but I hope that soon I'll feel better". And you'd be like, "yes, this is my favorite waiting room song. It captures exactly how I feel, and is perfect for this setting. Perhaps in a few days I will listen to a dance song and do some dancing."
2024-09-04
If you put your toppings on the bottom, they're bottomings. #passiton
2024-08-05
I actually saw this scene unfold a couple of days ago, and since then, I've been imagining this commercial.
2024-08-04
I just got back from a comedy tour⁺ and boy are my jokes tired⁺⁺.
⁺untrue ⁺⁺true
2024-07-06
Spotted in a small town: Brenda's Cafe, selling milkshakes and live bait. Don't get those cups mixed up!
2024-07-04
...and when I returned, they had absconded with my hansom. That's when I noticed that the sign said "varlet parking".
2024-07-04
Ron is a real big wig in the beach rentals decorations industry. Ron "Beach Rules" Blagovich they call him.
2024-06-21
Passing on my cultural heritage, I have taught my children about Chuck Norris Facts. Anna (8) has come up with a couple of great ones.
- Chuck Norris once beat a fish in a breath-holding contest.
- Chunk Norris can jump rope with nunchucks.
2024-06-19
[scene: a tough Tuesday]
Me: "Well, it's Friday somewhere." Friend Michael: "That's incredibly false." Me: "There are a lot of planets, Michael." Friend Michael: "Again, incredibly false."
2024-06-14
2024-05-28
My new startup is disrupting the disruptions industry. Nothing will be the same when we are finished, but everything will always be the same after that.
2024-04-29
I got a sales email from someone at Salesforce. I wish they'd stop forcing their Salesforce force to sell Salesforce.
2024-04-24
OK, I guess we can get started now, but TBH I was hoping for a little more ado.
2024-04-03
Before Kepler, astronomers believed that solar orbits were perfect circles or circles with circular Ptolemaic epicycles, following the Aristotelian idea of celestial spheres. Which makes sense, because the ideal human has a perfectly spherical head.
2024-03-15
Call me old fashioned, but I like my chiptunes on vinyl.
2024-03-13
You can't teach an old dog new tricks. Ipso facto, you can't teach a new dog old tricks. But can you teach a trick dog old news? This is a question that needs further exploration.
2024-03-06
The Linux "OOM Killer" sounds so much like a rapper name that I wrote a little rap.
2023-10-31
"Oh, you're having fun on the hay ride, yes? You like the hay ride? …In Soviet Russia, hay rides YOU."
(This joke is only 31 years too late.) [Tips hat to Yakov Smirnoff]
2023-07-17
2023-02-09
How come nobody but me is in this meeting that's scheduled for tomorr... oh.
2023-02-02
I like natural peanut butter. One day I hope to visit the springs from which it flows.
2023-01-26
I want a word that means "the bewildering indifference of a bureaucracy which in practical effect resembles hatred." We have these pithy words like "to ghost" or "to gaslight", but not for "to refer someone to the website menu option that doesn't exist and the hotline that hangs up on them."
2023-01-26
That's right, banking site. The last name of my favorite professor was "gently vita flipper." I think he was Dutch?
2023-01-20
Hey, do you even know who I am, pal? I'm the guy who went back in time to 2008 and stopped Smuckers from trademarking "that's my jam". You're welcome.
2022-12-14
Mitch Hedberg had this bit about not needing a receipt when he bought a donut - it's like, "I give you the money, you give me the donut, end of transaction." Sometimes when I buy something online and get marketing emails, I think about that. Like, no, I just wanted to buy a shirt, I didn't want to get emails about shirts. I don't have a shirt hobby.
2022-12-14
2022-12-12
Animals can't have wheels because the blood vessels would sever, but what if the wheels were separate, symbiotic organisms? So they're shaped like donuts, and the host has axles that fit through them. The two grow together, and when the host catches food it gives bits of it to the wheels. The host has a skin sail and chases prey across the plains at high speed. "Thanks wheels, here are some lizard bits."
2022-11-07
Hi, this is Kandace from TechNeck Recruiters. I have a job here that fits your resume from literally 15 years ago so I thought I'd go ahead and text you. Our ideal candidate is stagnant, yet desperate.
2022-08-04
That fella is one of a kind. Yessir, an example of a category, an instance of a class, a member of a set, an occurrence of a type, that fella. Never met any unlike him.
2022-07-25
An atheist can do good deeds in the same way that a solipsist can get married. He can, but he can't believe that he can.
2022-06-29
I bought some bookends on Amazon and it suggested I "subscribe and save." Apparently many people find themselves with an ever-increasing number of partially-filled bookshelves.
2022-02-17
2022-02-15
I'm like Sisyphus, except instead of a rock it's delicious chewing gum, and instead of forever it's about 5 minutes.
Also, not the hill part, I'm just chewing gum.
2022-02-09
irenic > ironic
2022-01-28
A show like Bob Ross, except it's me and I'm bad at drawing.
"And this little horse had an industrial mishap."
2022-01-25
When I see a man pushing a baby stroller, I give him a little nod to say, "haha, yes, I too have offspring."
2022-01-19
Falsehoods programmers believe:
- I won't get old
- Strawberries are berries
- My cat loves me
2022-01-13
I don't know why they call this bag of M&Ms "family size." My son alone weighs 70 pounds.
2022-01-11
A good chiptunes group name would be Data Bass.
2021-12-29
I'm looking for a programming language with a good ilk system. Strongly ilked.
2021-12-28
Did you know you can just buy cherry pie filling at the grocery store and put it on your ice cream? What a country we live in.
2021-12-03
"Has thou harkened to that new minstrel troupe, Garrulous Chamberpot?"
"Yea, they are exquisitely contrary."
2022-01-01
If I made dentist accounting software, I would call it Toothsum.
2022-01-11
In conclusion, cats are modern plesiosaurs. Thank you for reviewing my PsD dissertation and helping me become a Doctor of Pseudoscience.
2021-11-30
The "features" filter for microwaves on lowes.com has "works with Alexa" but doesn't have "won't set your carrots on fire."
I literally cannot imagine why I would want to control my microwave via Alexa.
"Hey Alexa, addthirtysecondsaddthirtysecondsaddthirtyseconds."
2021-11-29
"Inimical", more like "enemical", amirite?
2021-11-17
You can't phish me if I never check my email.
2021-11-08
Back in my day, Mario was a rock and Bowser was a pine cone, and that was good enough for us.
2021-09-02
If I started a business to facilitate person-to-person sales of domain names, I'd call it DNSCrow.
2021-08-18
If I went into data science, I'd want to be a Data Herpetologist.
2021-08-17
Area Man Finally Checks Out That One Band, Realizes He Missed Their Entire Musical Career
2021-08-14
Why doesn't Amazon have "Subscribe and Save" for pants?
2021-08-12
Before giving a talk about using stored procedures in the database, you should give a trigger warning.
2021-08-04
Today I have jury duty, or as I like to think of it, "jury mandatory opportunity."
2021-07-29
Is 1,000 kilograms a megagram, or did computer people have a falling out with the metric system?
2021-06-15
Hey everyone, I'm really good at goodbyes, so I've composed a song which perfectly captures my feelings and will help each of you gain emotional closure.
2021-06-14
This one goes out to all the people who see themselves in generic song dedications.
2021-06-05
Hey its'ah me, Mario! Meet-ah my children, Mini, Micro, Nano, Pico, and Fempto.
2021-06-01
Excuse me, I was told this was the option with all the bells and whistles but I count a mere 15 whistles here.
2021-05-28
My neighbor is always doing unnecessary remodeling. But you know, carpenters gonna carpent.
2021-05-04
You don't have to be hiking to eat trail mix. You can live your dreams.
2021-04-26 (Bonus Edition)
Interviewer: "If you wanted to write a controller which constantly emits baby screams, how would you do that?"
2021-04-26
The mechanic tried to tell me they needed to rotate my tires, but I said I'd do it on the way home.
Come on, man. I know how wheels work.
2021-04-19
I don't always mistype commands on production servers, but when I do, I use sudo.
2021-04-06
Guess who just successfully proposed a very minor security policy change at a large company and has at least two thumbs.
2021-03-29
What answer will you not select to this question?
2021-02-12
Back in my day, if you wanted baby carrots, you had to whittle 'em yourself.
2021-02-11
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Especially if you have good aim.
2021-02-10
Science: "The passage of time varies with your speed."
You: "Yeah, awesome, keep blowing our minds, science."
Science: "There are millions of bacteria in your mouth."
You: "Ha ha, OK, wow, gross, but thanks for the knowledge bombs."
Science: "Strawberries aren't berries. Pumpkins are berries."
You: "Shut up science, nobody likes you."
2021-02-02
When my dad wants to answer a question with an enthusiastic "yes", he sometimes uses a funny expression whose answer is "yes". For example:
- Q: "Do you want some ice cream?"
- A: "Does a cat have climbing gear?"
I like this approach, but I want to expand it to answers like "No", and "I'm not sure, but your question makes me uncomfortable."
For example: "Does an elm have a thorax?" and "Did Hitler love tennis?"
2021-01-29
Babies hate it when you steal their poop.
2021-01-29
I think a good band name would be "Cancelled for Rain".
2021-01-27
I blog, but I don't use social media. Recently, one of my posts went fungal.
2021-01-22
No, YOU'RE a nary tract infection.
2021-01-19
I hope someone at Oral B starts a headphone company called Aural B, because it would be fun to hear people try to enunciate the difference.
2021-01-12
I hear Al Gore is making a film about narwhals. It's called "An Inconvenient Tooth."
2021-01-05
My colleagues have very expensive tastes in things. I don't want to be left out, so I have decided to become an aglet snob.
2021-01-25
"Then how the reindeer loved him / as they shouted out with glee / Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer / witness our duplicity!"
2020-12-24
Why ship nori with packets of desiccant when you could include packets of desican?
2020-12-20
"Nectar Kollector invading your sector / watch out cause I'm intersecting your vector" (gangsta rap by bees)
2020-12-14
If you aren't satisfied with my helium-based weight loss method, maybe you should have specified that you wanted to lose mass.
If you aren't satisfied with my amputation-based mass loss method, maybe you should try Jazzercise.
2020-11-18
I prefer petroleum jam, it's got those hearty chunks of petroleum.
2020-11-07
My wife asked me how I would introduce myself professionally using only words of 4 letters or fewer. We came up with: "I make the 'type and see' box know more and do more good."
2020-10-15
I just saw a sign for laser hair removal. Why would you remove laser hair!?
2020-10-09
I wanted to be a pharmacist, but they said I had to take "hippo training", and I hate those freaky mouths.
2017-06-21
"R U a full stack dev?" "No, because..." [fumbles around for sunglasses, puts them on wrong, readjusts, looks up] 😎 "I use tail recursion."